


If the Zoo Bans Me

by jojoandpicnic



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, Memes, Tumblr Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 20:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15372807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jojoandpicnic/pseuds/jojoandpicnic
Summary: A fic is a dick in sheeps clothing. A fic means a dick is on the way. And Yuuri falls on his crush's dick, throws his heavy $200 zoology textbook at him, and somehow, miraculously, still gets a date with Victor Nikiforov. Much wow. So amaze. Praise the memes.





	If the Zoo Bans Me

**Author's Note:**

> Comment how many memes you catch. :) Love you, thanks in advance, and have a meme-ful day! XD *rawr*

The events that led Yuuri to kissing his crush began with a butterfly, cufflinks, and a zoology textbook. The events kind of went something like a meme. You know the one.

**Butterfly:** spotted.  
**Cufflinks:** stepped on.  
**Zoology textbook:** soaring through the sky like the bird it wants to be.

          Yuuri is forcibly removed from the plane of existing.

_Yuuri is forcibly removed from the plane of existing_ because he is so embarrassed, he can’t believe he’s done this like that one guy who got socked in the face by his friend - you know the vine - and there is no way to salvage this situation. The only good thing about it is that his dick wasn’t out, though, really, he would not mind having his dick out in front of his crush granted that they’re in a private bedroom with consent given explicitly and not in a public park where children are present and, oh, Dog, his anxiety is acting up - _is his fly down?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!_ **NO** , thank _God_ or _Dog_ or whatever, his fly is up, this is good, quickly breathing, thank goodness his dick is not actually out, but actually, this is weird. He fell. And now, he’s been dazedly staring at somebody else’s crotch for a few seconds now. His crush’s crotch. Yeah. This isn’t a good day.

Is it because he just made an idiot out of himself in front of his crush of, like, seven months?

No, it’s because it’s a little chilly - _yes_ , it’s because he made himself look stupid!!!!

What the fuck would Drake and Josh do at a time like this?

Probably get their face away from their crush’s crotch… if Nickelodeon allowed them to get that close in the first place. Um, awkward. Anyway. You know what? This is getting ridiculous.

*record scratch* *freeze frame* Yup, that’s Yuuri. You’re probably wondering how he ended up in this situation. Let’s start from the beginning:

Yuuri is pretending to study his textbook underneath a tree and across the little dirt path his crush, Victor, is sitting on a bench, putting on a tie.

Victor Nikiforov is the most beautiful man to ever exist in the history of the universe and in no way, shape, or form is Yuuri exaggerating in even the slightest. Victor is seriously that beautiful and way out of his league and doesn’t even know Yuuri’s name or even know he exists, but that doesn’t stop Yuuri’s heart from singing, “I love you, _bitch_ ; I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, _bitch_ , _”_ everytime he sees him. Goddamn, nOTICE ME SENPAI.

Suddenly, a butterfly. Yuuri is not a butterfly-ologist, he is studying to be a zoologist, not a butterfly-ologist, but it’s pretty. He’s always liked butterflies. And there’s one, right there, but it might be a pigeon, he can’t be sure, so he closes his textbook, stands up, and jogs across the dirt path to get a better look.

And then there’s that little tinkling sound. Victor drops his cufflinks and then, just as quickly, they’re under Yuuri’s foot. So, naturally, he slows, picks them up, tries to say sorry, but stammers through it and sounds like a doofus. As he makes his way to hand them over, Victor casts his beautiful blue-sapphire orbs - the bluest blue to ever blue - on Yuuri. And just like that, Yuuri’s feet twist and he stumbles, and he falls, clutching the cufflinks tightly in one hand, as his other arm goes out to catch himself on the bench in front of him. His textbook goes flying off to who-knows-where and his face certifiably lands close to Victor’s crotch.

Victor’s fly is down. This is good. This is fine. The house is not burning around Yuuri as he calmly sips his coffee. All is good in the world.

Victor is also currently rubbing his head. The head attached to his neck. That head. Yuuri scrambles away from Victor’s crotch and resists the urge to find the nearest gutter to throw himself into because clearly that’s where his mind is.

And because it has become evident that Yuuri’s zoology textbook hit Victor in the head on its ascension into space.

His mind kicked itself into hyperdrive. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry! The bird - bug - I mean, the butt-” No! Not a butt! Don’t think about butts! How do think??? Think, think, think! “The-the-the fly-thing, I -” Fuck, not _fly_ , that’s even _worse_ , because Victor’s fly is still down and he was just thinking about butts and now he’s thinking about flies and why can’t he form sentences?? Now Victor thinks he’s an idiot, he knows it, God, can this get worse?

“Hey,” he hears from above him, like a gentle foghorn, “it’s okay. It’s fine.”

It was Victor. Victor’s voice. Victor spoke to him.

He’s dead. He’s dead and gone to heaven. _Omae wa mou shindeiru._ (A/N: if u don't know what that is get da hell out of here!)

Yuuri flounders to stand. “I’m sorry,” he says again, eyes flitting back and forth like some sort of crazed animal. He does not want to be here, he wants to disappear and forget this ever happened. “I’m so, so, so-”

Victor waves him off, standing up as well. “It’s cool, it happens.” Yuuri can feel the cufflink digging into the palm of his hand and it’s only when he can feel that one is attempting to split his skin that he remembers to hand them over. Victor smiles as he takes them with a small, “Thanks.”

But this poses another problem. Victor just smiled at him, his brilliant, beautiful smile, as tiny and awkward as it was, and it was directed at Yuuri. Yuuri.exe has stopped working. “I - um - you - your….”

Victor raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Come on brain, think of things, do the thing, maybe start breathing again. What was he going to say. Why did he start talking again. It’s not like he can tell Victor he’s beautiful to his face, that would be too much and too silly. What had he originally been thinking about? Butts, then the fly-thing, so dicks, dickbutts.

Yeah! Dickbutts!

Victor’s dickbutt is down!

That didn’t sound right!

What the fuck is he trying to say?

He’s pretty sure by now he’s going red in the face. And so, he screams, “Your fly is down!” at his crush of seven months and hightails it out of there likes he’s Sonic and has gotta go fast. Which he does. He runs like Forrest did.

He runs all the way home to find he forgot his $200 zoology textbook at the park. The park where he talked to his crush for the first time that wasn’t complete gibberish. Yuuri had been wanting to talk to Victor for months, actually talk to him instead of saying, “Erbgh….” each time Victor asked him a question and he had gone and tripped and looked like a fool. He had endless scenarios in his head with endless conversation possibilities and a plethora of suave ways to ask Victor on a date. None of which he used today.

Needless to say, this did not go according to _keikaku_. (A/N: Keikaku means plan.)

l lI

To say Yuuri was feeling like shit would be stating the obvious. He lived in a constant state of anxiety that fluctuated between the vine that just repeated “you better watch out” at an ascending volume and the vine where the guy says “shit” way more times and in many more places than one might think possible in six seconds. He was born from his mother’s womb with the attitude of “I came out to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.”

His roomate Phichit had no sympathy for him for falling on Victor’s crotch - _not_ his dick, Phichit, he did _not_ fall on Victor’s dick, thank you very much - and teased him for a solid three minutes about how Yuuri wanted to fall on Victor’s dick (yes you do, Yuuri, you’re thirsting for the D, it’s so obvious). But! He did have sympathy for the missing textbook and had accompanied Yuuri to the park after the story had been told and they both looked for the book but to no avail. It was gone. $200 gone. Vanished.

And he still had to show up to class the next day, bright and perky like he’s fucking Britney Spears, pre-meltdown.

He felt ready to shave his head and become a Buddhist monk by the time he was in class. He really, really felt like Britney Spears, except he wasn’t famous or notable in any way. And he was Japanese. Britney Spears isn’t Japanese. She’s from Texas or Louisiana or some Southern state or something and, anyway, that didn’t really matter all that much, it just proved his point that she was in no way Asian.

Victor isn’t Asian. Sure, Russia is mostly on the Asian continent, but he’d heard Victor was from St. Petersburg, or Moscow, or something - he probably lived in both cities at one point of his life or another - and, anyway, those cities were on the European side of Russia. But everybody knew Eurasia was one continent anyway, so did all of this really matter? No. Especially because they were both in school in Detroit, Michi-

Gun.

Michigan, which wasn’t in Japan or Russia, but belonged to a country where Kansas and Arkansas didn’t rhyme. America explain.

Stupid $200 dollar textbook making him stressed beyond belief. Stupid college classes that make him stressed beyond belief. Stupid everything that made him stressed beyond belief.

And then Victor walked in the classroom and Yuuri could not look. Anytime Victor came close to his peripheral vision, Yuuri would glance away like he was Ryan Gosling and Victor was his cereal. Just a single hair on Victor’s head could remind him of the Most Mortifying Moment of His LifeTM. Thankfully, Victor was too busy chatting with his friend Chris to really notice Yuuri; they chatted their way through the room, weaving in and out of desks and other students until they got to their desk.

Their desk happened to be relatively close to Yuuri’s. Against a wall, Yuuri just diagonal because he thought on the first day of class to not be a wallflower because, contrary to popular belief, there _were_ no perks of being a wallflower and the only thing that was infinite in any moment was the amount of anxiety Yuuri had so, no. Yuuri’s desk was not against the wall, Victor’s was. But since they were close together, Yuuri could often hear what Chris and Victor were talking about - never intentionally eavesdrop - and the reason Yuuri had not so frequently spewed gibberish at Victor. Victor’s desk was also prettier, but he was also a TA.

Their conversation today appeared to be about the presentation Victor had yesterday, his masters presentation that Yuuri had almost ruined by stepping on Victor’s cufflinks. (A/N: Disclaimer; despite being in it, I have no idea how the American college education system works.)

“If,” Victor started with a flourish, dropping into his seat, “ _If_ I don’t get my degree because some ancient zoologist grading my paper says my language is too flamboyant and energetic, I will face God and walk backwards into hell.”

Wait. Wait a second. Was that… was that a meme? From Victor Nikiforov’s mouth? Did Victor Nikiforov just say a fucking _meme_ ? Yuuri’s eyes snapped right to Victor, gaping at his profile because that was a _fucking meme_.

Victor Nikiforov saying a meme? In everyday conversation? It’s more likely than you think. Free PC Check!

Hearing a meme out of Victor Nikiforov’s mouth was like watching the video where the phone drops and goes through the Upside Down to get back to the person’s hand. At the same time, he just thinks it’s neat because they have something in common. It was validation on a whole new level and Yuuri could feel the admiration in his heart grow bigger.

Chris betrayed no surprise over the meme and instead just asked, “What does that even mean?”

The meme? Because Yuuri can tell him what the meme means. But he doesn’t interrupt because that’s rude and anyway, Victor’s answering with his arms thrown up in the air with frustration.

“I don’t know! Just yesterday during my presentation, Dr. Berkowitz said I was too flamboyant and energized! How the in the - I mean, what the in the - just-!” He takes a deep breath and blows it out loudly. “Am I not allowed to be passionate? Like, I - oh. Yuuri.”

Yuuri freezes. He’s been caught staring and his life is flashing before his eyes. If there was ever a time the universe wanted to make a person video game glitch through the floor, now was the time and Yuuri would gladly volunteer. Life was in slow motion as he watched Victor pull a book from his bag. A suspiciously familiar looking book.

“You dropped your textbook. I thought you might want it back.”

Victor, after getting hit in the head by said textbook, had picked it up and kept it.

Oh, and Victor knew his name. Victor knew his name was Yuuri. Victor knew that it was Yuuri who had fallen on his dick yesterday. … Not his dick, his crotch, Yuuri fell on his crotch, not his dick, and even then he didn’t fall on it, just close to it, and he needs to stop thinking about Victor’s dick because he’s looking at him expectantly, waiting for Yuuri to take the book back and fuck now he looks like an idiot again because he’s standing there looking like an idiot with a dumb look on his face.

He’s such an idiot.

Somehow, he thinks he manages to say, “Thank you,” and internally cries because his $200 dollars wasn’t lost, it had come back! $200! The money book! Reblog now for good luck!!!

He stumbles forward to take the book back. And he trips. Over his own two feet. He lands with a thump of his hand on the wall, incredibly close to Victor, effectively trapping the man between him and the wall and there is a single word floating in his head, chanting like the drumming beat of his heart. _Kabedon, kabedon, kabedon_.

_Fuck_. He could hear the conversation with Phichit now:

“I _kabedon_ -ed Victor,” he would cry, whaling like a baby elephant.

“That’s so sad,” Phichit would reply. “Alexa, play ‘Despacito.’”

They didn’t own an Alexa, but Phichit would say it anyway before playing the song from his phone.

For the moment, he scrambled to right himself, a thousand apologies probably getting jumbled up in his mouth and coming out as nonsense. There’s a faint blush on Victor’s cheeks, probably from embarrassment because he was just assaulted by the same person who assaulted him yesterday. Yuuri prayed he wouldn’t sue, which he probably wouldn’t because Victor is a nice person. And the blush could be from second-hand embarrassment on Yuuri’s part because he’s a fucking _mess_ and Victor is empathetic. And anyway, he’s pretty sure one of his, “Sorry”s came out as “Spoopy,” and another of his “I’m so fucking sorry”s came out as, “Fre sha vaca do,” and hopefully one of his apologies actually sounded like an apology because otherwise he was just an asshole who couldn’t apologize.

“You ran so fast yesterday,” he hears Victor say. Yuuri shuts up and flinches and hopes it wasn’t too violent, but Victor is smiling at him like Yuuri is a perfectly normal person and not a mediocre ogre who lives in a condemned swamp, which is love and life. It’s a smile that Yuuri can only glance at in fear of combusting into flames for not being worthy enough to even be in its presence. “I’m just glad I could return it.”

“I am so sorry,” Yuuri says again for good measure, bowing a little. Good. Great. He actually said the thing.

And somehow, they end up on a date. The End.

ll l_

… Right. Play-by-play.

First, class had to pass. Okay, well, first, Yuuri awkwardly went back to his seat and proceeded to pretend like he didn’t exist for the rest of the class. He also proceeds to not pay attention. Every word and interaction between him and Victor plays on repeat and he sees every mistake Mmm Watcha Say style. He knows he should try something to salvage their… acquaintanceship, but that was easier said than done. Just the thought of going up to Victor is leaving him breathless like that one Spongebob meme.

Like, what is he supposed to say, anyway? “I like your shoelaces?” And Victor will just magically know to say, “Thanks, I stole them from the president,” and they’ll ride off into the sunset, happily ever after? No!!! That’s not how this worked! And, besides, Victor’s too cool to even have a tumblr. (Unlike some people.)

And all too soon, class is over and the students file out one after the other. Yuuri clutches his $200 textbook like a lifeline. And then he hears his name from behind him. He stops, turns, and holds his breath because for some #blessed reason, Victor Nikiforov is talking to him again. And it’ll probably turn out like crap like the rest of their little talks, but for this moment Yuuri could pretend like he wouldn’t screw up.

“Hey, could I borrow something?” Victor asks, a beautiful smile on his face.

Yuuri’s knuckles are white as they clutch the book tighter against him. He clears his throat and hopes it doesn’t come out too high pitched. “Yeah, what?” Goddamn he just sounded like Timmy Turner.

“Toss me your heart.”

On impulse, Yuuri throws his textbook. Victor catches it. He looks at it, blinks, and then looks back up at Yuuri with an impossibly bewildered expression. “I said your heart.”

Fuck fuck fuck think think think. Brain blast! “I thought you said textbook.” What the fuck. Are you fucking kidding me. Why the fuck would he say -

“Why the fuck would I say textbook.”

It’s silent. Yuuri has visibly recoiled, despite the fact that Victor had been thinking the same thing and they were very much on the same wavelength, but God was this embarrassing. Victor takes a moment to realize he misspoke. He coughs to clear the air and continues, “I mean… I just gave you back your book, so.”

Yuuri relaxes. “Right. You’re right. I’m -” just stupid and “- you….” … what had he said? He wants to what? “You want to borrow my… heart?”

Victor colors. “Yeah. It’s a lame pick-up line, but-”

So the funny thing about this situation: in all of Yuuri’s fantasies, he had been the one asking Victor out. Not because of his big dick energy or anything - one does not simply put Yuuri and confidence in the same sentence (barring this one) - but because it always gave Victor the option to reject the proposal.

And, in fact, Yuuri’s mind was rewiring itself to makes sense of just what the fuck life is right now. And to do that, he goes point by point. Y’know. Because play-by-plays make everything easier.

Point 1: Victor gave Yuuri back his textbook. Point 2: Yuuri falls on Victor again.

Point 3: Victor uses a pick-up line on Yuuri. Point 4: Victor uses a pick-up line on Yuuri?

“Pick-up line? Why would - to _me_? You’re trying to-”

“Ask you on a date.”

“Why?”

“You’re cute.”

uwu heh heh~

Wait.

Victor doesn’t really think he’s cute. He can’t really want to go on a date with Yuuri. He probably just wants to take Yuuri to Olive Garden for the free breadsticks so that when he realizes Yuuri isn’t all that interesting or attractive, he can shove a shit ton of breadsticks into his bag and leave. And Yuuri isn’t that kind of mood today, so he should try to make Victor see the light before he really goes through with it.

So, with a deadpan tone, Yuuri says one of the stupidest things he’s said to date. “I shouted that your fly was down in public, almost fell on you, and then threw my heavy textbook at you.”

Victor makes a face between hurt and embarrassment “So… I’m being rejected?”

To actually reject, or to not reject. Kill Bill sirens go off in his head. Fuck. He cannot, absolutely _cannot_ just pass up the one chance he will ever get to go on a date with Victor fucking Nikiforov. Phichit would kill him, revive him, and then kill him again.

Yuuri wasn’t ready to become some kind of gay Jesus.

“NO!” Fuck that was loud. “I mean - I - uh.”

“You’ll go on a date with me?”

Victor looks at him with puppy eyes, like that dumbass face on snapchat, but goddamn does he look so fucking cute and Yuuri is gay and-

Yuuri thought he had died a long time ago. This was not true. He is still very much alive. He had to be alive, but he was playing with death. It's a metaphor see. You put the thing that does the killing right between your teeth - in this case, Victor’s dick - but you never give it (Victor’s dick) the power to kill you. But, like, to be perfectly honest, choking on dick didn’t sound like a bad way to go, so….

“Yes.”

Victor handed his textbook back and dabbed.


End file.
